The verses used to flow
Quick and Smooth
Pen to paper
Fingertips to keys
But now I'm blank,
My mind is an ocean
And I'm drowning,
Hope feels like fantasy
Because I am stuck
In a body that's broken
And mind that's sick,
Therapy and pills
have fixed nothing.
--Lies--
It's made me realize
That I will always be this way,
Day by day
One foot in front of the other
But with no future
Things look bleak,
Still, I don't even know what I seek,
I always thought I'd be extraordinary
Instead I'm ordinary with extra flaws,
No money, no job,
No self-respect, no love,
How can I love when I hate the girl in the mirror?
I'll never be as beautiful as before,
Endo has robbed me of my youth,
When puberty hit
So did all this shit,
Goodbye to my freedom,
My body, my mind
All the while not knowing what was going on,
I missed so much school
and then work,
The fatigue consumes me
Like carrying 10 pound stones in your pockets
Tired to the bone,
And then the pain comes
Draining the hope, again,
I thought surgery would fix things
But what did I know?
At least I can walk
But the pain is a constant reminder that death is on every corner,
--Relentless--
4am panic attacks,
Re-living the moment
I could taste the reaper,
Science pulled me through
Not God, not Jesus,
Doctors and nurses built of flesh and bone,
Antibiotics, IV drips,
Surgical equipment,
But cutting out my ovary
And Fallopian tubes
Left visual scars
But what about the ones you can't see?
Lupron injections,
A nightmare gone wrong,
You're telling me this is the best you got?
Menopause at 31
--Unacceptable--
No more hormone affecting drugs,
This is my decision!
And apparently that's all you can offer me...
I'm on my own.
Maybe natural medicine is the key?
Pelvic floor therapy,
Acupuncture, massage
Naturopath, Vitex supplements,
Some help but I'm still sick
There is no cure
Afterall,
So I learn to live with the pain
If you call this living...
I know you are there
Just saying hello
--Constantly--
I just tune you out
Ignore you when I can
But sometimes you scream,
Louder
Clear as a bell
And I remember
You're still here,
--Don't forget--.
Originally written May 27, 2019
