My Nightmare

The verses used to flow
Quick and Smooth
Pen to paper
Fingertips to keys
But now I'm blank,

My mind is an ocean
And I'm drowning,
Hope feels like fantasy
Because I am stuck
In a body that's broken
And mind that's sick,

Therapy and pills
have fixed nothing.
--Lies--
It's made me realize
That I will always be this way,

Day by day
One foot in front of the other
But with no future
Things look bleak,
Still, I don't even know what I seek,

I always thought I'd be extraordinary
Instead I'm ordinary with extra flaws,
No money, no job,
No self-respect, no love,
How can I love when I hate the girl in the mirror?

I'll never be as beautiful as before,
Endo has robbed me of my youth,
When puberty hit
So did all this shit,
Goodbye to my freedom,
My body, my mind
All the while not knowing what was going on,

I missed so much school
and then work,
The fatigue consumes me
Like carrying 10 pound stones in your pockets
Tired to the bone,
And then the pain comes
Draining the hope, again,

I thought surgery would fix things
But what did I know?
At least I can walk
But the pain is a constant reminder that death is on every corner,
--Relentless--

4am panic attacks,
Re-living the moment
I could taste the reaper,
Science pulled me through
Not God, not Jesus,
Doctors and nurses built of flesh and bone,
Antibiotics, IV drips,
Surgical equipment,
But cutting out my ovary
And Fallopian tubes
Left visual scars
But what about the ones you can't see?

Lupron injections,
A nightmare gone wrong,
You're telling me this is the best you got?
Menopause at 31
--Unacceptable--

No more hormone affecting drugs,
This is my decision!
And apparently that's all you can offer me...
I'm on my own.

Maybe natural medicine is the key?
Pelvic floor therapy,
Acupuncture, massage
Naturopath, Vitex supplements,
Some help but I'm still sick
There is no cure
Afterall,

So I learn to live with the pain
If you call this living...
I know you are there
Just saying hello
--Constantly--
I just tune you out
Ignore you when I can
But sometimes you scream,
Louder
Clear as a bell
And I remember
You're still here,

--Don't forget--.

Originally written May 27, 2019

Youth

The devil took a bite,
Outta me,
Chewed me up,
Spit me out;
I taste sour,
Bittersweet,
From soaking in an ocean of grief;
The pills lead to change,
Not the kind I wanted;
An infection cured, turned deadly,
Sick in the mind and body,
Fickle foundations,
Crumbled to the floor,
I wasn't strong to begin with,
I definitely don't feel strong anymore,
But It's hard to say for sure;
Time heals all,
But I can hear the clock ticking,
Away, away, away,
My youth is out the door,
She says, goodbye...
Aging scares me to the core,
I have already seen what's in store;
The aches in my bones,
I've felt since birth,
Have only gotten worse,
With time,
Don't tell me that I can't feel,
32 feels more like 80,
When you're chronically ill,
No more, no more,
I can't endure,
This torture.

Diagnosis Endometriosis

Run away,
From what they say?
Myself...
I'm tangled, strangled by this disease,
It's eating me, alive.
It takes and it feeds,
Devouring with greed,
My body and mind.
Starved for faith, in something,
Anything, 
That can calm the devil in me.
Six feet under,
Down the rabbit hole,
Below and above,
What's the difference?
When you're sick in body and soul.
Endometriosis.
Is this my diagnosis?
Endo what?
New to me but old for my body,
Since puberty?
Maybe all this time
It wasn't my fault.
The pain, the insanity, the sickness,
Testing my limits and I've found the weakness.
My genes broke me,
My gender failed me,
My doctors ignored me.
No absolution, no resolution,
Pills of plenty, injections galore,
No mention, no warning,
For a possibility of cure.
I have no idea how to deal with this,
I feel alone, dead.
Uncomfortably numb in this shell of a body,
My eternal tomb.
Two surgeries down, but uncertainty screams.
I can still feel the pain,
Post-traumatic stress, 
From being close to the brink.
Three hospitals, crying for help,
Wheelchairs and Tylenol,
Nurse, nurse, doctor, nurse,
Spit me out faster than you can chew,
Or I burst,
Into flames.
The pain cut through me worse than 10 knives to the back,
Blood poured out of me,
Like fountains and pools.
Cots hurt, especially for the dying,
But there's no beds tonight.
Bare corridors, flickering lights,
Finding truth or more confusion?
1 in 10, yet I had never heard a word,
It took almost dying before getting heard.
I never wanted this,
I never wanted this body.
Sick to death,
Ill to my grave?
Is this all there is?
But they don't hear,
What they can't see,
And they can't see,
What only I feel.
Dead.