Dreams...

Dreams...

Do I even dream anymore? 

I dream of not being in constant pain,

A cure for disease,

I dream of seeing a world without a pandemic,

An end to tragedy. 

I dream of hope for others,

And myself,

Food on the table,

A warm bed,

Finding peace inside my head. 

I dream of a vegan world,

Where animals are more than commodities,

Where we are all equal,

Colour, creed, gender, sexuality, species...  

Freedom and opportunity.

I dream of love and friendship,

Purpose and community, 

A place where I belong and thrive,

And do more than survive.

I dream of a world where there's no such thing as endangered species, 

And extinction doesn't exist,

I dream of clean oceans, 

Lush rainforests and a stable climate,

Clean air and water to drink. 

Where oil is not more important than indigenous lives and the land they care for.

Where profit is a thing of the past,

Instead wealth is distributed equally

And the size of your pocketbook does not define your worth. 

I dream that the lonely find companionship,

The sad find comfort, 

The tired find rest,

The missing found,

The trapped freed.

I dream of a better tomorrow,

Collectively. 

Dreams... 

Mother Sees

Fall fast
Along coastal shorelines,
Jupiter called my name
But I was too busy
Dancing in the ocean,
I'm no mermaid
But definitely have a sea creature in me,
I close my eyes
And from the sea
I land in a forest
Surrounded by trees
With the moss at my feet,
Our mother is speaking
But you don't want to hear,
Listen!
She screams over mountains,
 "I'm all you have, I'm all you need,
And when you ignore my pleas
You don't just kill me
But yourself,
Your children,
Everyone's family."
Dance in the ocean
Play with the trees
But leave them as they are,
Free. 

Ashley Leslie 2020

The Moon

The moon,
My only friend
Watches over me,
Through despair,
Through the descent,
You remind me how large the universe is,
With galaxies, asteroids,
Jupiter and billions upon billions of stars,
Forever is hard to comprehend
But somehow it lends hope
To my small existence,
For we are grains of sand
Descending from the hourglass,
Molecules dancing and colliding in time,
Is anybody up there?
Or is it just you,
My moon,
Keeping watch over me?

Trying to be a sandcastle
In the midst of a hurricane.

Ashley Leslie 2020

On the Right Side of History

Come find me

Down by the river

Under the canopy of evergreen

This is where I'd rather be.

But through this smokescreen, unravelling

A taste of freedom cannot be

While others are suffering,

Engaged in a social justice war

Incredibly for a longtime ignored.

Black Lives Matter!

We scream for George,

And Breonna, And Elijah,

And Regis, to name just a few,

Deep-seated, systemic at its core,

No longer can we ignore,

For he is me,

And I is her

And I see their pain,

We are all enmeshed in this insanity.

Statues aren't history,

Racists don't deserve to stare down our communities.

Immortalize love!

Not hate, not genocide,

No justice, no peace,

Only war on the streets.

My sisters and brothers can't breathe

Because you have your fucking knee

On their neck,

On their back,

You hold them down

With viciousness so twisted in design,

Yet you get away with the crime.

Is this how fair and just societies work?

It's time for it to crumble

Like the statues we pull down. 

Ashley Leslie 2020

The Chase

A window,
No a door,
Slammed shut,
Windy weather blows me apart,
Tethered,
Resistant,
Circumstantial evidence,
I'm the storm,
And I'm chasing my tail
That I've never been able to catch.

Note to Self

Next time she crashes
Be gentle with her
Walk with caution
In between moments
Lace your heart with cushioning
Prepare before the storm
Strengthen your tethers
Grapple the stars
Listen to others who lift you up
Find purpose in each breath
Hold on
Keep going
The dark won't last forever.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Brain runs rapid
She swirls
Around and around,
While I drown in pools of self-doubt and misery;
Winter's captive,
[I miss the sun]
Hidden behind grey blankets
The colour matches my mood
Dismal days hold me hostage,
New year, no purpose
I'm stuck. 

Youth

The devil took a bite,
Outta me,
Chewed me up,
Spit me out;
I taste sour,
Bittersweet,
From soaking in an ocean of grief;
The pills lead to change,
Not the kind I wanted;
An infection cured, turned deadly,
Sick in the mind and body,
Fickle foundations,
Crumbled to the floor,
I wasn't strong to begin with,
I definitely don't feel strong anymore,
But It's hard to say for sure;
Time heals all,
But I can hear the clock ticking,
Away, away, away,
My youth is out the door,
She says, goodbye...
Aging scares me to the core,
I have already seen what's in store;
The aches in my bones,
I've felt since birth,
Have only gotten worse,
With time,
Don't tell me that I can't feel,
32 feels more like 80,
When you're chronically ill,
No more, no more,
I can't endure,
This torture.

Diagnosis Endometriosis

Run away,
From what they say?
Myself...
I'm tangled, strangled by this disease,
It's eating me, alive.
It takes and it feeds,
Devouring with greed,
My body and mind.
Starved for faith, in something,
Anything, 
That can calm the devil in me.
Six feet under,
Down the rabbit hole,
Below and above,
What's the difference?
When you're sick in body and soul.
Endometriosis.
Is this my diagnosis?
Endo what?
New to me but old for my body,
Since puberty?
Maybe all this time
It wasn't my fault.
The pain, the insanity, the sickness,
Testing my limits and I've found the weakness.
My genes broke me,
My gender failed me,
My doctors ignored me.
No absolution, no resolution,
Pills of plenty, injections galore,
No mention, no warning,
For a possibility of cure.
I have no idea how to deal with this,
I feel alone, dead.
Uncomfortably numb in this shell of a body,
My eternal tomb.
Two surgeries down, but uncertainty screams.
I can still feel the pain,
Post-traumatic stress, 
From being close to the brink.
Three hospitals, crying for help,
Wheelchairs and Tylenol,
Nurse, nurse, doctor, nurse,
Spit me out faster than you can chew,
Or I burst,
Into flames.
The pain cut through me worse than 10 knives to the back,
Blood poured out of me,
Like fountains and pools.
Cots hurt, especially for the dying,
But there's no beds tonight.
Bare corridors, flickering lights,
Finding truth or more confusion?
1 in 10, yet I had never heard a word,
It took almost dying before getting heard.
I never wanted this,
I never wanted this body.
Sick to death,
Ill to my grave?
Is this all there is?
But they don't hear,
What they can't see,
And they can't see,
What only I feel.
Dead. 

Depression

Darkness feeds, not on flesh or folly, but the mind; deep down in the crevices no one can see, between the folds and catacombs of our interior. Why? Why do we allow the shadows to creep forth? Blistered, enhanced and magnified, ten-fold simply from a conditioning. Conditioned to not question, to follow orders, stand in lines… Rule after rule, we all start to lose our mind or mend and bend to their every whim.